A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reports that about 25% of individuals have experienced some form of narcissistic abuse in their relationships.
From 2012-2017 I myself was in a narcissistic abusive relationship.
I recognize that the term “narcissist” is a buzz word these days, but I’ve had several licensed clinicians confirm that this person was someone with textbook NPD, Narcissist Personality Disorder. Anyone who’s experienced this, is unfortunately very familiar with the signs, symptoms and predictable cycles.
Even if a person is able to leave a traumatic situation of this type, they are often left with emotional and physical symptoms that don’t simply “go away” or fade over time.
One of the characteristics of a narcissistic abusive relationship is that it’s insidious. This means the cues of danger may not be present at the onset and they develop gradually without being noticed.
In other words, narcissistic abuse often starts slowly and gradually worsens over time.
Relationships of this type usually begins with “love-bombing," a phase where the abuser initially seems loving, generous and supportive. It can be so intense that the victim feel the abuser is too good to be true, “the love of their life.” Then, the abuser slowly begins to use manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting and belittling, silent treatment, passive aggression, and triangulation, to undermine the victim's self-worth and confidence. This is intermingled with intermittent acts of kindness so the victim becomes confused about which version of their abuser is real. As time goes on, the abuser adds in verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse.
The aftermath
In my own case, the experience left me with severe and long-lasting effects on my physical and mental health including PTSD.
I went to therapy regularly for a number of years and found that talking about what I had experienced only made my physical symptoms of anxiety and my depression worsen. I tried EMDR and it didn’t really help me, although I know it helps some people and it’s recognized as “evidence based” by the American Psychiatric Association.
For me, what began to change my physiology and regulate my nervous system was trauma-informed somatic work.
Note: If you are more comfortable staying with traditional, medical evidence-based psychotherapeutic techniques like CBT, then what I’m about to share may not resonate with you and that’s okay. It’s up to each individual to choose what methods make the most sense to them. If you’re in the midst of a narcissistic abusive relationship, it makes sense to stay with your therapist and add in somatic work once you’ve left the situation and are safe. In writing about this, my goal is to share some lesser-known alternatives to traditional psychotherapy or medication that worked for me and for many others.
Common physical symptoms of anxiety and hypervigilance include:
Digestive issues, nausea
Not being able to eat or overeating
Chronic neck, shoulder and back pain
Physiology of “bracing” or “contracing”
Jaw pain
Joint pain, sciatica
Shallow breathing or not being able to take a deep breath
Headaches and migraines
Racing heart
Sweaty palms
Face heating up suddenly
Migraines, headaches
Trembling, shaking, twitching, buzzing
Insomnia
Chronic fatigue
Some emotional symptoms—that are not always talked about—may include:
Feeling like you’ve always done something wrong
Feeling confused about what’s really true (cognitive dissonance)
You don’t recognize yourself, feeling lost and empty
Feeling isolated
Shame and hiding what you’re experiencing from others
Feeling anxious or depressed or hopeless
Trouble setting boundaries
Are ready to forgive and forget at the first sign of kindness
Loss of self trust; disconnected from your own intuition
A feeling of overwhelm (or freeze)
Feeling like you’ll die if you leave them (trauma bonding)
Hypervigilant - “Walking on eggshells” like you’re constantly waiting for the next attack
Two effective Somatic Tools: The Feldenkrais Method® and Somatic Experiencing®
In the case of narcissistic abuse, we feel we’re “under attack” 24/7 — unless, of course, the abuser senses they’ve gone too far and then they are attentive and loving as they were in the beginning of the relationship. When this happens and they show signs of the person we first met, we wonder why we felt so anxious and we wipe the slate clean, only to go through another cycle of abuse.
We’re stuck in a state of hypervigilance and confusion and it takes its toll on our brain, nervous system and body.
Feldenkrais is a gentle, non-invasive way to reconnect to your body so that you can sense, feel and trust yourself.
The Feldenkrais Method®, a robust somatic method that helps release chronic muscle tension and regulate the nervous system, was the first tool I used in order to learn to trust my own inner guidance again.
Amidst the chaos in my daily life during the abuse, this somatic work allowed me to reconnect to my body and listen. I was able to feel those physical cues of danger. For example, when I felt my stomach tense, I knew my body was telling me to listen. When I felt my chest or throat constrict, I was able to trust myself vs being confused. I began to be less dissociated or out of my body and to feel a sense of safety and grounding that I hadn’t felt before.
Before I was constantly scanning my environment and his face for cues of danger because I was dissociated. But now, I could feel my body give me cues and I knew I could trust it.
Feldenkrais is also an effective way for someone to learn to self regulate. During narcissistic abuse, it wasn’t safe to “relax” deeply. The constant threat of being under attack was always present. This method allows muscle tension to release effortlessly, and muscle tension = emotional tension.
This method— whether working 1:1 with a practitioner or taking group classes — allows a person to:
Unwind habits of stress and overstimulation
Regulate breathing
Relax muscles and ease joint pain
Respond vs reacting
Calm the mind and emotions
Feel grounded
Improve sleep
Feel a sense of safety, well being or neutral
Somatic Experiencing® (SE) is another somatic method that helps a person complete threat response cycles.
For example, when I felt the desire to fight back or speak up about the abusive treatment I was receiving, but I remained silent because I was afraid of the consequences, that powerful “fight” energy got stuck in my body. It had no where to go but inward.
Or when I felt the deserate desire to get away, but couldn’t leave — again, that energy was thwarted, and stayed lodged in the physical tissues of my body: in my muscles, joints, gut, jaw, etc.
This is common in any traumatic situation. But with narcissistic abuse, it’s especially relentless and continuous, and takes a significant toll on a person’s mind and body.
Some time after I finally left the relationship, I found myself with sciatica and plantar fasciitis, and chronic fatigue, but it made no rational sense. Now I know that was stuck energy. With Feldenkrais and SE, that chronic pain and fatigue has dissipated. I’m gradually increasing my energy and health.
Next Steps
As a client and practitioner of both of these robust somatic methods, and several others, I have found that the somatic option for releasing trauma from the body is far more effective than talking about the experience.
If you or someone you know has experienced narcissistic abuse, you may consider trauma-informed somatic work to help you on your healing journey.
Please allow me to support you in this process. If you’d like to talk in person, please schedule a free 15 minute consultation to see if working together is a good fit for you. We can work in person in San Diego or online. Schedule here or email me and I’ll get right back to you.