In 2015, I had moved from Denver to Washington, DC to be with someone with whom I had fallen in love. But within weeks of arriving, red flags began to appear. I made excuses for each thing that happened because I really believed he was the person with whom I would spend the rest of my life. I'd jumped through hoops to make this move — I'd sold my home, left my friends, and heartbroken, left my son who had decided last minute to take a gap year before college. I'd started a new business in this new city and I believed we could make it work.
But within a couple of months of relocating, it became clear to me I was in a toxic, abusive relationship. I felt anxious and fearful that anything I might say or do would set off my partner into a rage — putting flatware in the dishwasher facing the wrong direction, hanging pots on the pot hanger in the wrong order, leaving my water bottle on the dining room table.
Essentially, my nervous system was responding as if I was living in a war zone, waiting for the next surprise attack of yelling and name calling or silent treatment.
My attention was not on myself, but on my environment, my partner's facial expressions, constantly scanning for clues of what was to come, being hypervigilant to say and do things "right" — to not cause an outburst. It was as if I was like living in a minefield and existing in the ancient limbic part of my brain — in survival.
On April 13, 2017, while riding on the back of his motorcycle at Joshua Tree National Park— a "vacation" my intuition warned me to avoid, we T-boned a car that was doing a U-turn in the middle of the road.
It was as if I was literally stopped in my tracks.
And although the accident resulted in me breaking my foot, a finger, and a rib, it was this accident that also saved my life.
I spent the next few days at my ex’s friend’s house in Palm Springs on pain meds before flying back to DC. When I returned, I cleared my work schedule. My abusive partner was suddenly attentive, kind and loving and I was all too ready to forget the past and believe he’d had a change of heart. I allowed myself to enjoy his attention and trust him… for two glorious weeks, until the abusive behavior started again.
We were getting ready to go to his country house in Virginia for the weekend and he asked me to pack the cooler while he took care of some business. I did my best with limited use of my arms and foot, and in the hurry to beat rush hour traffic, I forgot to pack the milk. And he was enraged. I forgot to pack the milk and now we’d have to stop on the way. He couldn’t count on me for anything — everything is always on his shoulders. He raged for miles and then refused to talk to me, and I felt myself afraid again. I was confused — was he right about me? Was everything always on his shoulders?
The cognitive dissonance and confusion and brain fog was muddying my ability to see clearly. The anxiety and depression from feeling that I couldn’t trust my own gut was back with a vengeance. Read this article for more symptoms of narcissistic abuse.
My recovery
When we returned to the city, I scheduled two Feldenkrais® sessions each week with a nearby practitioner for the next 3 months. I knew I needed to become physically self-sufficient as quickly as possible, to get solidly back on my feet and not be dependent on him. To learn more about how The Feldenkrais Method® works, click here.
Some sessions were almost magical — I felt such increased mobility and lack of pain that I had to pinch myself to believe the improvement I felt was possible. Each session was different from the one before, and I had varying results. But cumulatively, the improvements steadily continued.
By the end of July I was no longer in pain and had recovered much of my flexibility and function. Gradually, I was able to see my usual client load. I continued with weekly sessons and for another month and I kept improving physically.
the most surprising effect
But the most surprising effect was that I no longer felt I was completely focused outside of myself, scanning the horizon for danger every moment. I had embarked on Feldenkrais® sessions in order to improve my physical function and release pain. How could release of mental and emotional tension be a result of a this method as well?
Regardless of whether I understood mentally what was happening or whether I believed it was possible, the thing I knew for sure was that it was happening. I was feeling physically stronger and better and I was mentally and emotionally clearer, calmer and more grounded.
I felt connected to my own body. I could breath normally. I could sleep, after months of insomnia. I was developing the ability to feel myself, and the clarity to trust my thoughts and to leave a situation that would certainly have killed me.
If you or someone you know have experienced a relentless experience that has left you with physical symptoms of stress, anxiety and overwhelm, please consider The Feldenkrais Method® to help you find relief physical and nervous system relief. To learn more about the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety, click here.
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