Self-empathy, or being capable of having empathy for yourself, helps you calm yourself during conflict or when you’re feeling stressed, angry, frustrated, anxious, afraid and other strong emotions.
Self-empathy also helps you get clear about your needs and the needs of others so that you can make choices and decisions that support harmony, cooperation and connection.
According to Marshall Rosenberg Phd, author of “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” in order to have self empathy, the following 4 steps will help you connect to your own self empathy:
1. The awareness that you need self empathy in a given moment.
Your amygdala is activated and shifting you into the fight/flight/freeze state of your nervous system — therefore, the first step is to actually learn to become aware that you’re entering this state.
Your amygdala is activated when you:
Have tension, constriction or unpleasant sensations in your face, jaw, neck, chest or stomach.
You have thoughts that are judgmental, angry, fearful, blaming, critical or demanding.
You react and do or say things that lead to conflict and disconnection, rather than being able to respond in ways that lead to connection.
2. The willingness and time to go inward and observe your mind and body with compassion and presence.
What emotions are you feeling? Where do you feel this in your body? Many people feel emotions like stress, anxiety, frustration, anger as contractions in their jaw or abdomen, some feel a tightening in their throats or pain in their backs. At first this feels impossible to tease apart. So the two questions we can ask ourselves to begin with is: what am I feeling and where do I feel this in my physical body?
3. The ability to name sensations, emotions, and needs and distinguish them from the thoughts, stories, interpretations, and strategies or expectations.
So many of us don’t differentiate an emotion from a thought or story we tell ourselves about another person or situation. A feeling is different than a sensation. A feeling or emotion is different from a thought or the story of something that happened.
4. The time and willingness to stay with your sensations, feelings and needs and hold them with warm, compassionate presence.
When we connect with our body and simply “listen,” we are giving ourselves attention, which is the most powerful form of self empathy and self love. We don’t have to fix anything, change anything or do anything. Simply feel our body and allow whatever sensation is there to be there. For more detailed information about his actual self empathy process, check out Marshall Rosenberg’s book, “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life”.
Your body has the answers
You can begin a self empathy practice just by listening to your body. Your body is your best indicator of when you begin to enter into an activated state. Most of us push these feelings aside and distract ourselves, pour a glass of wine, work out, check our phones, and so on.
But all distractions do is delay the anxious or stressful feelings until later … and they ALWAYS come back.
Incorporating mini practices into your day that help you sense and feel your body will not only grow your body awareness skill, but help you feel calmer and more grounded by helping you to regulate your nervous system. These small moments of attending to yourself are self empathy and they make a difference. To learn more about how self care practices are the first step to practicing self empathy as well as regulating your nervous system, read this article called “What is self care. How to prioritize your wellbeing in daily life.”